My Life & Purpose
Sometimes we allow folks and even ourselves count us out of things God already qualified us for. Life hasn’t been the easiest and sometimes my faith get weary but God still came through for me and showed up on my behalf. I’ve had folks tell me I would never get the anointing that was over my life or God wasn’t showing up for me because of whom I’m attracted to. But guess what God he has shown up even when I couldn’t show up for him.
Seems like since 2011 we’ve taken more hits than a hit man. With the loss of close family members around the same time each year. At the same time of losing my grandfather to cancer in 2011 I also lost my sister ,myself and my faith in the midst. Just months after losing them I found two golf ball size tumors in my left breast the doctor found three and then even more once they went in for surgery. I was distraught but let me tell you how God work even after the surgery being pushed off and pushed back and insurance problems when the surgery did happen and them results came back and they were not cancerous they were just fibrocystic tumors. This is why he tells us “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding“.
Then 2012 hit and life was still off that’s when I lost my other sister to Lupus. I had watched it takeover her for years. Till 2012 came and it had took over her completely from all of us in her livingroom joking and playing to her in the hospital. All within a flash of weeks her ending up on Hospice and not being able to do more than mouth words. All the way down to the end where she took a breath every 23 seconds and the next day them saying she wouldn’t make it through the night. Prove them wrong she made it till 7am the next day.
I was lost I didn’t know what to do or where to turn but he was always there keeping me a float and protecting me. This stuff is how he made me who I am still full of love and pure. 2013 we took another hit our great grandmother it was a lost but we got to meet some new kinfolk. I didn’t take it as hard because at that point I was kind of numb to pain and losing people. At that point I just felt like why are we taking so many loses buuuttt you cant question God so I just pulled away. Even with me pulling away and not really knowing how to forgive God for taking them he still stuck by me and in 2014 he showed up and showed out I lost my job but it was in perfect timing because I end up having to have a second surgery and was supposed to get both breast done but they said that would be to much downtime and pain for my body.I went in for my second surgery this time the right breast *sighs* them folks could not get the meds to wear off for me to wake up enough to sign out they had to keep me awhile and then eventually let me my mom do the paperwork. Man listen I was higher than a giraffe cooter you hear me good thing I missed that phone interview lol. All in the same time frame I end up in the hospital for two weeks my heart rate was 164 my pain was through the roof my throat was closed to the point I could barely breath and definitely couldn’t talk. This happened a month before my surgery God looked out though because I just so happen to let my daddy kidnap (make me stay at their house instead of going to mine) me that day I was too sleepy to argue and end up waking up out my sleep because I couldn’t breath.I had to text my mom what to tell the folks what was wrong and my daddy was like “iiiii Got some Zyrtec or should we give her a Percocet” lol don’t judge him he just be wanting whatever to stop. It took them all of a week and a half for me to even be able to be awake but most of all God kept me. See when God has a plan for you no man can change that im living in my purpose.
Even after being diagnosed with Lupus in 2015 and losing myself mentally because I had just watched this vicious disease take my sister in 2012 Im still here he still has something planned for me. I was in a dark place for a long time like why I got to endure all of this like God how strong do you think I am. I really had to question like what did I do so wrong like I am the most loveable and loving person with a heart of gold and I got the weight of the world on me. It all worked out though it took me getting out of town doctors to make this thing work but it came together. He worked everything for my good he put people in places that they didn’t know they were needed in if my sister wasn’t where she is I wouldn’t have ever traveled here and got the help I needed. Not only did being out of town help me health wise but also with finding my purpose and myself. I’ve been to college two times for childcare and it didn’t work for me not even that God just knew I wasn’t read for my purpose as of yet. Childcare has always been a dream of mine I love kids and its definitely a field that will stay around because everybody having babies lol that’s really why I wanted to start one way back when I was in middle school and to also help out folks with no other options I wanted a 24 hour day so I could help around the clock. Now I have my own in home daycare as well as I found something else I am passionate about. You just have to let life align itself sometimes. Watching my sister go through what she went through with Lupus helps me kind of get through what I am going through. It showed me how to set the tone with these doctors and not let them downplay what is really going on or try to brush it off. See with this disease you have to stay on them because it mimics so many other diseases and sometimes it will play hide and seek with the folks but long as you’re persistent and firm they know you’re about business I’m not going to lie I’ve had times where I let them discourage me but fuck that this my health and my life.
Alright back on track fast forward to 2017 we loss our granny and the family fell apart I tried to get them together forever but also had to accept it for what it was. But they got they shit slightly together in 2018 and did Thanksgiving together yay them. Then 2019 came around and here go Mr. Depression again I’m talking about hitting hard I’ve never been this broken in my life till me daddy passed we really lost that whole side of the family with him *shrugs* and it hurt like hell because of how deep my loyalty and love run for them but everybody cant come with you where you’re going. Depression got so bad suicide been on my mind plenty of times but instead of straying away from God I went to him. Sometimes it takes rock bottom for you to look up. The closeness and wholeness I yearned for from God through this process was like no other he had to not only open my eyes but open my heart as well and make me see that my purpose is bigger than depression , bigger than suicide, bigger than your demons, bigger than any hurt man could cause but most of all he was bigger than any mess and every test.
“My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth.“
If you’re ever at rock bottom just look up you’re already down you might as well pray because even when we are weary and stray away he is still with us. You’re purpose comes from God not man cant nobody take away what he has for you. There is nothing or no one who can stop your God-assignment. I am living proof and I am living in my truth this cleanse got me overly emotional. Its been so many times God could have left me but he didn’t I’ve been laid up in these folks hospital with a heart rate in the 200s anybody else would’ve went into cardiac arrest and probably wouldn’t be here but as for me all of those times he kept me and kept it from going that I’m just so overly thankful that I’m still here with my life still here with my purpose and everything he has instore for me I just thank him for my life even with the trials they make me who I am today. You can push through and you will get through. Im here still loving, still caring, still helping and still walking in my purpose and I will do that till he is ready for me and my baggage lol forreal.