Back Where I Started

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Whew chi I am back in Jax. I’ve been wanting to move back since I came in march but I was content where I was. But I know those feelings came from God letting me know to soak up all the time I could with my daddy. I wish I would’ve stayed longer than two weeks had he have told me he had 6 months to live I would’ve got shop popping here. I did get some time though and a whole lot of video chats but I feel like that wasn’t enough but in a sense it was enough to make my peace with him and accept him for who he was and that he would never change. Its like we had a lot of good terms but we was really communicating the weeks leading up to him ending up on life support and passing away. To see the drastic change from week to week its like the conversations him, my sister and me had just soaked up all his love and life. Its like he was making his peace as well with not just us to but all of his kids I imagine to spare our hearts when it all came to an end but to also calm his spirit. I know its hard to keep track when you have like 1000 kids but he stayed up on us though and made sure we communicated with one another. I wish we could trade all this stuff in and get him back he was the glue to our lives through the good, bad and some of my siblings I mean the ugly my bad lol. The grieving process hasn’t been easy and honestly wont be easy for a while with all the back and forth but I tell you what I’m not messing up another ankle. I made a promise to my daddy and its sad that I don’t even feel like carrying it out because of all the chaos and stress. Long as he know I tried and I love him I am fine with that he always warned them “ya baby sister got a heart of gold but you push the right button and she’ll sow you hell so stay on her good side” he is beyond petty but they know to move lightly and if they didn’t they do now. Just ready for it all to be over and everything to be ok and peaceful.