11 months ago!
The Break-UP! 11 Months Ago!
To date 11 months ago I ended a relationship that I soooo long to be apart of with HIM. We casually did this before , not talking or months only to spend long weekends together. I would literally disappear and go away with him. It was a oasis of love. I’d drive late hours just to share the same space and breath his air. Then turn around and drive miles back home and show up to work bright eyes! Yet, deep inside I knew I’d crossed a river of emotions, love, lust and mixed wires that I should have not.
Months prior to ending the relationship, I traveled to North Carolina one weekend and sat in church crying know that the pastors message was directed to and for me. Yet when I returned home I didn’t end the relationship, like most of us we always question if the message was for me and if I was to end it NOW! Nonetheless, I preserved. I visited North Carolina in April and everyday until June 15th of 2018 I cried every night from the ups and downs experienced in my personal life.
A month leading up to that evening I cried more, slept in a different room, walked around the house in silence. Mr. Him at the time, well he’d spend many nights away…. Only come in to pack clothes….. Walk past me and not speak. Yet, the evening I was able to end the relationship, nervous, saddened. I went to see my spiritual mother for guidance of how to pleasantly have this conversation without rage. she spoke to me on the phone in a soft tone, she explained that this was the out I prayed for etc.
Later, that weekend I enter the house and had the conversation. He never spoke a word through out what I thought would be a conversation. He never even looked my way the entire time and once the conversation had ended he simply stood up, grabbed his keys and left. What a relief right? Nope! He didn’t actually leave until a month later. The next 30 days seemed like they’d take forever to come to an end so that we could both be happy in our own spaces. The next 30 days, I spent washing and packing his things neatly, and actually praying over them and for him. I know you’re reading this thinking PRAY!!! WHY! WHO DOES THAT! Welp, I prayered, thank GOD for all that I’d learned and for loving me enough to restored again one day!
I was firm on my decision to leave the relationship, but my heart wasn’t firm at all! There were many nights I yearned to be touched by HIM. Many nights of simply wanting to sit and talk with him. Yet, I knew I had to move forward and walk away for my own peace, growth and sanity. During this time I refrained from giving in to those feelings. Many nights I cried in secret away from others. Yet, having hope to LOVE and Be Loved again!